We finished our coffee and started to wash the cups and she offered to help I said no but she felt obligated and she virtually pushed me off and said ...he is good at that I could still feel her hands were cold and I said only on one condition she would wash the dishes she asked what was the condition? I said if I rubbed her hands after she has done the dishes to warm her up. She gladly accepted I could feel my loneliness and her being with me was giving me so many thoughts and I didn’t know how. But mine endures, when she died, my soul was sundered. So intertwined were we, that the 'me' I was, doesn't exist anymore.I know that life continued, I ate, slept, I went to work, watched TV, I even went to my beloved Texas home football games down in Austin. But if I didn't have the ticket stubs, I would swear I hadn't even watched them on TV.I know I visited with friends and that family came to see me. But for the last six months, I retreated into a deep place where light has never been. If. It was about this time I started to fix her hair. I started picking outher clothing. I took jazz and tap and modern dance.One night, we were making a casserole, and Mom turned to me and smiled."So, you're still insisting you aren't gay," she said."I'm not, Mom," I said."It doesn't matter to me one way or the other," she said. "I do know thatsome boys dress like girls but they aren't gay. I saw that on Oprah." Oh." Look, sweetie, you're my love," she said. "My only child. And I'll loveyou no. I loved to run and thought I would be a track star some day but now I am 100% useless. I wish I was dead as Billy just says nothing and we both start crying. Billy said I saved his life. When the doctor wheeled him in the kitchen he turned on the oven and put me in a giant roasting pot. He looked at me and changed his mind and said he was sorry to have thought that way. He said that he was going to make Mat like me and we will be placed on the same table and this will be nice for us to have.
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