Tammy happened to wander by and poked her head into my room and my cheeks slightly colored, my hands quickly returning to the fretboard. Busted!! Tamm... giggled at my obvious embarrassment and of course had to look at my computer screen to see what was causing my discomfort. She read a few lines of the torrid narrative and breathed ''Oh my!'' in a barely perceptible whisper, then said ''Scroll back to the beginning, Pony, This is truly wicked!'' I turned my head and saw her mouthing the words,. I hate being so emotional! It was much easier before, ifsomething was wrong I just pretended that it is nothing and I don't care.I don't want to be a girl, feeling vulnerable and being emotional, I can'thandle it!Alf come close and touch my hand. A stream of his feelings is flooding me.He is sorry, he is concern, he like me and he .... he founds meattractive? I stop crying and look at him in surprise."Sorry! I didn't mean it that way. You have to understand, my research isall my life. 9 years. “I have some books about conducting I could loan you, would you like that?”He got all fidgety, but said, “I sure would, Sir.”“Very good, I will bring them tomorrow to school. Maybe the following day, we could spend some time together, how does that sound to you?”“Wow! What an honor it would be to do that, Sir.”“I am not a Sir, Jeremy! Call me Michael, like everyone else does,” I said.“OK, Michael. I will come by here first thing in the morning, day after tomorrow, if that’s all right?”“OK. ..certainly not from me. Trying as hard as I could, well, not too hard, I couldn't prevent Jerry from wanting to be a girl so I gave up completely. Pam and I discussed taking him for counseling as a last resort to ease my conscience, but she wanted to wait until it was closer to him starting school....another year. At that time, my contract would be up and I could leave, although I don't know where I'd go. I was happy here, I loved Pam, and I loved being a woman...I knew I couldn't be a man.
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